Okay, so, this is the second and maybe the last drawing I'll make about myself as a person. I... Just need to talk about it, just for once. And I won't ever go back on it.
This is something that followed me during all this time. I guess I can't do Stephano anymore, it was bringing me to the border of insanity. You know, I'm a weak person. A very weak, breakable person. You might think that I was a strong guy, who gets justice easily, who doesn't let preople crushing him. No, I'm not. I'm someone who's afraid, literally afraid to go outside of my own bedroom, standing there in front of my computer all day excepted during school days, I flee my family in my own house even if they are kind people, avoiding friends and can barely make some of them, and get an awkward feeling when someone comes into my bedroom, even with my family members. You see, I had problems. Like everybody - or not. It made me socially awkward. I can't talk to people, I always avoid their eyes and I can barely speak. People made me feel worthless and in the same time, they were afraid of me. Now, I'm afraid of them. I'm someone who was in depression before the day I could meet ~Mister-Chair and make this account.
And becoming Stephano helped me for some reason to get stronger. I... managed to stop living in the past and the fear. I learned to be more tough, to face people. I started feeling like I wasn't worthless, thanks to you, bros, and thanks to ~Mister-Chair. Stephano is the totally opposite of me : Strong, self-assured, maybe arrogant but he guides people and help them when they're in danger or in a difficult state. He's like a father with people. I wanted to be him. But...
Having a double life is not funny. At the beginning, it is, but then you have to lie about your own personal life to protect yourself. I had to lie to protect myself. And this was also because Mister-chair and I didn't want to gain watchers thanks to these fan accounts. And... Absorbing Stephano's personality is not that good. I was becoming someone else. Many times I got violent, my tone was harsh when something was annoying me, I found myself shouting at someone, or a friend without any control when I felt a bit of anger in my heart. I was more violent when I didn't mean it. I got scared of myself, and these people felt the same. So yeah, I didn't play with that pretty long because it was becoming dangerous in some way. Playing this game, being Stephano made me weaker on the other hand. I lived in my own shadow because of him. That's something that I suffer everytime I log in DA. Always have to be careful, sometimes I get hysterical fangirls that I have to control (and Jesus Christ I can't do anything, I'm never getting used to it haha)... These things may be the reasons that I'm being less and less active here. I wanted to have fun, but even if on one hand I have wonderful bros, on the other hand I have many art problems ( stolen art and shits) or people trying to get into my personal life, which everytimes makes me stressed like a little bitch. This kind of thing affects me pretty much even if I don't show it. So, yeah. It's. Stressful. Time goes by, and my motivation was drained. Maybe it was also because I had less and less joy when watching PewDiePie's videos. I feel like the good old Amnesia times are gone forever. I prefered the old PewDiePie, if you want my honesty. He's still a very sweet guy, he's always been. But the way of his playing changed...
But yeah. The thing that made me suffer the most when I was here was being someone else, and not me. People like me as "Stephano" most of the time, because I make PewDiePie fan arts and because I act like Stephano. And I just can't come and say : "Hey, I have another DA account, check this out !" It's... No, it's just. Not fair to me. Even if I want to, I just can't. I prefer gaining watchers by hard-working than like this.
And most of all... It hurts me everytime I have to lie. About myself, to people who were really interested in me. But I think I won't say anything about me. Even on the day when this account will be officially dead.
I have to apologize to these concerned persons. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm not begging you to stay or anything like that, but just know that I'll miss both your art of this fandom as well as the meanings that came with it that you portrayed so well. The recent Missing comic giving me the most feels about it, mostly sad on how less and less there is of the fandom and so many great people in it, including yourself whenever you leave. Your artwork as well as the fandom even inspired me to make my own character for whenever I started LPs of my own, a character based on the lantern you carry around in Amnesia, and I even got him the name Nicholai. Its just...Its so sad to see people go. But, no matter where-ever you go next, I do wish you the most happiness, and that it inspires you to keep going, just like this fandom once did before. Hell I would love to see your other/personal deviantart account, so I could watch your great works there too x3 -hugs- I really wish I could've said all this at the time you posted this piece, but now I finally knew what I wanted to say. At least I hope I got some kind of message through anyway, I'm not very good at this kinda thing myself either x.x Saying my feelings properly and all that.
Just know that you do have friends here that would support you every step of the way, no matter which fandom you go into next, or whatever plan you have for you art in the future. And that if you ever need someone to really talk to, we're all here to listen <3 Same goes for whoever was Mister Chair on DA as well.
Thank you so much for your understanding and I'm sorry for making you feel this way. You describe exactly what I feel about PewDie. I'm kind of relieved to see that I'm not the only one in this situation, I was pretty worried about it.
I'm glad to see your support and your kindness... You are such a great bro. Stay the same !
Thank you again and take care of yourself
And on your other DA account, be prepared for many faves from me >w<
But yeah, I hope too... It woud be so great.
I saw them already, and I'm already drowning in them !
And if you ever wanted to see, here are the only three pics, so far, of Nicholai x3 I plan on making him appear once I start trying to LP myself, hoping to start with Amnesia first <3 Otherwise I've missed drawing Nicholai more myself TT.TT The lack of good Amnesia LPs also being apart of the lack of art reason too.
I REMEMBER HIM.
You showed it to me years ago ! He still looks gorgeous !
The just lineart I made, the other two images were requests by other artists/I asked them to draw him, and they came out so well <333 The very last one is my most fave~
But yeah, I was thinking Nickie could've sat on either Pewdie's or Stephano's shoulder, maybe even Mr.Chair's. Not really Piggeh's since he flies around way too much XD;; I'm glad you love his design though
myself away in my room and never come out, I feel like I should be alone in life, and I am afraid of getting into relationship! I am a mess! I don't know what to do with myself! I come on here to sort out my life! My life is dedicated to a computer! I hate interacting with people that are not close friends! My life, my existence, is pointless. I am a waist of space. I can't improve myself. I am pointless. My life is a joke. You, on the other hand, are kind, and I want friends like you. But I can't. Because who would want to be friends with a girl who is a horrible person and won't be able to keep people as friends. Why would anyone want me as a friend? I... am ....stupid. I don't see why I bother to send this to you. You aren't going to reply anyway. I am an idiot for trying. But whatever. I can't take myself anymore. My head hurts. Because of the things I see. I write it all down in stories and i read the stories to people. Why does my head hurt? Why do I have the sight of DEATH flash before my eyes every day? I can't take that pressure! I wish I could throw it all away. I can't. Because it is my job. I have been called to watch over worlds and people. I have been hearing and seeing things. My dreams haunt me in the day time hours! I don't know what is wrong with me! I can't put the pieces together. Why is this happening to me? I don't know. But it hurts me. I can't say anymore. I will cry if I do. I'm sorry for me talking to you. It was probably a waist of time reading this.
ChairofGold: ... Dang. That's... Wow.
FlamingGold: So THAT'S why we all look like you!
GoldieBlox: That's just crazy, girl.
Mary: I know, but it's true.
id love to know your other da account and I'd find satisfaction knowing that this is you and you don't feel like you have to lie to make your watchers happy, because you don't I am much like you with acting that I'm a different person to what I really am, and I find it difficult speaking to people outside of my room aswell, I can't stop stuttering or losing sentence, so bro.... I'm being serious when I say your not alone
You're beautiful. You probably won't believe me, but that's truly how I view you after reading this. You have a pure heart and a wise mind. Don't be fooled. You're a beautiful and stunning individual with hopes and dreams and talent. Don't let the world corrupt your beauty.
And no, I'm not talking about your drawing. I'm talking about the heart you poured out with your words.
I'm also not talking out of my ass. I've been there. When I created Mimzi, I ended up stupid and hateful. I cursed the dust I walked upon and the people I met. I still do. Please don't end up like me. Find a ray of sunshine in your life and nurture it. Don't overindulge and be grateful to it. That's all the words I can offer in an emotional view.
On a more scientific note: Physically, you should limit your junk food intake and get some sunshine. It doesn't sound like much, but the outdoors and a quiet mind works wonders. What you're feeling can be lightened. Your mind can be cleared and your burdens be freed. If this account is too painful, take a break from it. Start fresh, even. Indulge in something else you enjoy. Don't feel obligated to stay because of your "fans"
Trust me when I say this: A break from the internet and a walk outdoors will change your life. It's hard to believe, but being on the computer often can drag a person down. You can be free. Again, I repeat, the outdoors is a miracle. I'm not saying go mingle with people, DO NOT do that. I'm saying find a peaceful place away from the unnatural tune of society. Once you relax yourself, you'll feel a difference. You'll start to want to mingle with others and you'll feel much healthier.
*note* if this remedy doesn't work, try taking b12 supplements along with the previous suggestions. If there is still no effect, or the results are not enough, I strongly suggest seeing a professional. That's only for the most severe cases, so don't jump to conclusions please!
I wish I could say more but I can't so I just hope you figure out how to fix your troubles. You were a dedicated bro it sounds like and for that even if you stop watching Pewdiepie I'll still accept you into the bro army/family with open arms man *hugs*
just a random saying here but I think you will like it, just remember....""What we have once enjoyed we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.""-Helen Keller and also " It can't rain all the time "...-Eric Draven
""Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow."" I mean I could probably go on for a little bit with inspirational quotes sorry I can't really give more heart felt consent to you but I hope those words have helped a little bit at least my friend..
And yeah, I liked these quotes quite well. Thank you, they made me smile ! Mostly the last one.
Don't worry about me, I'm getting better now. Thank you. Stay awesome.
When I feel down I look up quotes and write them down somewhere. I got the idea from my brother.....
And I'm glad to hear that! And you make sure to stay awesome too
""Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow."" ..Gonna have to write that down somewhere it reminds me of old amnesia times
i hope everything will go well at the end.
I can't speak for everyone else, but your art makes me happy. Everytime I see it, I feel a certain warmth and joy. That's the reason why I love Pewd's. He makes me smile.
Someone once told me that a person's flaws are only as big as they make them. When someone describes themselves, they might say they're awkward and weak. But someone else would say they're bright, charismatic, talented and strongly motivated. But usually it's hard for us to see these aspects of ourselves, and need others to point it out for us. So that's what I'm doing for you.
You're my role model. You, not Stephano. I wouldn't have been able to admit that I was feeling that way to my entire fanbase. It's admirable, and I'm glad that you confided in us. I hope you will stay on DeviantArt, and I hope you will continue to share your feelings with us. Because we're family.
I wish you the best in life, friend.