I'm on a roll today.
Okay, so, this is the second and maybe the last drawing I'll make about myself as a person. I... Just need to talk about it, just for once. And I won't ever go back on it.
This is something that followed me during all this time. I guess I can't do Stephano anymore, it was bringing me to the border of insanity. You know, I'm a weak person. A very weak, breakable person. You might think that I was a strong guy, who gets justice easily, who doesn't let preople crushing him. No, I'm not. I'm someone who's afraid, literally afraid to go outside of my own bedroom, standing there in front of my computer all day excepted during school days, I flee my family in my own house even if they are kind people, avoiding friends and can barely make some of them, and get an awkward feeling when someone comes into my bedroom, even with my family members. You see, I had problems. Like everybody - or not. It made me socially awkward. I can't talk to people, I always avoid their eyes and I can barely speak. People made me feel worthless and in the same time, they were afraid of me. Now, I'm afraid of them. I'm someone who was in depression before the day I could meet ~Mister-Chair
and make this account.
And becoming Stephano helped me for some reason to get stronger. I... managed to stop living in the past and the fear. I learned to be more tough, to face people. I started feeling like I wasn't worthless, thanks to you, bros, and thanks to ~Mister-Chair
. Stephano is the totally opposite of me : Strong, self-assured, maybe arrogant but he guides people and help them when they're in danger or in a difficult state. He's like a father with people. I wanted to be him. But...
Having a double life is not funny. At the beginning, it is, but then you have to lie about your own personal life to protect yourself. I had to lie to protect myself. And this was also because Mister-chair and I didn't want to gain watchers thanks to these fan accounts. And... Absorbing Stephano's personality is not that good. I was becoming someone else. Many times I got violent, my tone was harsh when something was annoying me, I found myself shouting at someone, or a friend without any control when I felt a bit of anger in my heart. I was more violent when I didn't mean it. I got scared of myself, and these people felt the same. So yeah, I didn't play with that pretty long because it was becoming dangerous in some way. Playing this game, being Stephano made me weaker on the other hand. I lived in my own shadow because of him. That's something that I suffer everytime I log in DA. Always have to be careful, sometimes I get hysterical fangirls that I have to control (and Jesus Christ I can't do anything, I'm never getting used to it haha)... These things may be the reasons that I'm being less and less active here. I wanted to have fun, but even if on one hand I have wonderful bros, on the other hand I have many art problems ( stolen art and shits) or people trying to get into my personal life, which everytimes makes me stressed like a little bitch. This kind of thing affects me pretty much even if I don't show it. So, yeah. It's. Stressful. Time goes by, and my motivation was drained. Maybe it was also because I had less and less joy when watching PewDiePie's videos. I feel like the good old Amnesia times are gone forever. I prefered the old PewDiePie, if you want my honesty. He's still a very sweet guy, he's always been. But the way of his playing changed...
But yeah. The thing that made me suffer the most when I was here was being someone else, and not me. People like me as "Stephano" most of the time, because I make PewDiePie fan arts and because I act like Stephano. And I just can't come and say : "Hey, I have another DA account, check this out !" It's... No, it's just. Not fair to me. Even if I want to, I just can't. I prefer gaining watchers by hard-working than like this.
And most of all... It hurts me everytime I have to lie. About myself, to people who were really interested in me. But I think I won't say anything about me. Even on the day when this account will be officially dead.
I have to apologize to these concerned persons. I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.